For the love of it!

Random toughts of a Sports Lover…

Rugby Advancement Committee Established!

 

“We need to be patient. This process is still in process and the process will continue until we’ve transformed the team into what we envisage this process to deliver”

These were the words spoken by SA Rugby CEO, Jurie Roux, after South Africa’s disappointing performance against Argentina in Mendoza last week. Roux spoke after the first meeting held by the newly established Committee on the Rugby Advancement Plan, which consists of some of the greatest rugby minds in South Africa, tasked with coming up with solutions to improve the performance of South African rugby teams, and in particular, the Springboks.

Recent comments in the media by Nick Mallett and Jake White, has prompted Jurie to establish the committee to see if a working solution can be found to solve the general perception that South Africa can only play one brand of Rugby.  The committee is chaired by Jurie Roux and the members include Nick Mallet, Naas Botha, Peter de Villiers and Brendan Venter and the seat for current Springbok coach is held by Heyneke Meyer.

Transcripts of the meeting were leaked by an unknown source, which mentioned only that it was to be either held “in the strictest of confidence, but on the other hand it could also be reported in all major newspapers if you want”.

CRAP, as the committee is known, was brewing on the Springbok performance and questions were raised by all the CRAP members towards Heyneke on what the Springboks plans are and how that played out on the field.

Meyer: “Look, it’s all about control. If we control the ball, we control the game. If we control the collisions, we control the ball. If we control the kicks, we control the collisions.”

 

 

Divvie: “ Ja, you know, its like they say. You cannot collide if you don’t have a ride! Ask ou Earl. Ja, if he was only half the player Rickie was, he would have been the Jesse Ryder of Rugby.

 

 

 

Naas: “Uhm Divvie, he IS half the player Rickie was…half the size”

 

 

Jurie: “Gentlemen, let’s please keep to the process in the best interest of this crap.

 

 

 

Naas: “Yes, ok. Ja Heynie, but uuuhhhhh, on the other hand if you kick, you need to kick accurately, ne. Look, we all know you cannot just kick because its nice to kick, but you also have to have a plan, to kick like I used to kick.”

 

Meyer: “We’ve gone and analysed the (3) major Rugby playing nations game plan in Europe over the last 2 years and 81.37% of those three play the same game plan. Even the All Blacks use that game plan. It’s about execution. If you cannot execute, you cannot control!”

 

 

Divvie: “Ja, like we playing now, we will be executed by the All Blacks! Even I can see that our players are running around like headless kiwi’s!”

 

 

 

Mallet:”Don’t talk kak man! It’s all about the basics. You cannot play to a game plan in which players like Bekker gets allowed to disgrace themselves. Really, its not rocket science.”

 

 

Venter: “This is kak. Someone pass me a cookie”

 

 

 

Meyer: “Look, we’re not building rockets. This is far more complicated. My guys go on a free (3) week course to study our structures and our game plan. It’s very complicated”

 

 

Naas: “No Heynie, it Rrreally isn’t that complicated. All you do is let the ball go from Hougie, to a forward. And then if he doesn’t break through the advantage line, or falls into the tackler, Hougie passes to another forward. Until all the forwards are tired. Then he passes to Morne, who kicks the ball high so that the tired forwards can chase the ball and win it from the oppositions player. But that part seems not to work well at all. Then we tackle.”

Meyer: ”See, it IS complicated! Don’t let that plan lief (leave) this room, then the other teams will know exactly what we is going to do!”

 

 

 

Divvie:”Ja, to me, the game plan was always just the plan. You can take a horse to the water, but the Currie Cup is only won in October. Sometimes, as they say, when a plan doesn’t come together, you have to let Hannibal and the boys come to the party. And that’s where my number 1 number 2 always came in.”

 

 

Meyer:”I though Honniball was a centre?”

 

 

 

Mallet: “Honniball was my most gifted player I ever coached. After Bob Skinstad.”

 

 

 

Jurie: “Look gents, we don’t seem to progressing. This is a CRAP process. Not a dick measuring contest.”

 

 

 

Divvie:”Ja, that one is on the other side!”

 

 

 

Mallet:”Well, it’s simple really. All we need is a flyhalf who can read the game, like Honniball. And then a full back who can do just a little more than impersonate Sideshow Bob”

 

 

Divvie: “Ja, I always thought Lambie will be a great flyhalf. But all he does, is sit on the bench and halve flies!”

 

 

 

Meyer: “There is a very good reason why Patrick is not playing at the moment. He keeps the balance on the bench. If he doesn’t sit on the bench, when one of the other players sits down, the bench falls over. So he needs to stay there.”

 

 

Mallet:” That’s absolute nonsense! We always used the black guy to put the balance on the bench! Now you use your best creative player!”

 

 

Naas: “Ja, uhm Heynie, why do you persist with Morne?”

 

 

Meyer: ”We use horses for courses. And when the horses don’t pull the cart right, you change the horses…”

 

 

Naas: “So if the cart doesn’t move fast enough, you change the horse, but are the wheels nicely oiled?”

 

Meyer:”…sharrap Naas! But yes. See you are a genius, you understand these things. We need to change our forwards so Steyn can get front foot ball. Don’t change to plan. The plan is perfect. Change the players.”

 

 

Mallet:”But what if the problem is not the horses. But the cart?”

 

 

 

Div: “Ja, you see! Zane is a square wheel. You can see it in the way he runs, hopping up and down like a Rickshaw on a double dose of Durban Bunny Chow! That’s why I never picked him, people would just call me inZane!  Lambie is like a Michellin, puncture proof, Formula 1 wheel. Solid around the track, slick around the bends, but spends most of his time on the side in the pits!”

 

 

Meyer: “Morras is just struggling to make the right decisions at the right times. Sometimes he goes left, instead of right. I really struggle to make these guys to go right. I’m drilling them and drilling them, these two tests are the last chance for Morne”

 

 

Venter:”Ja. You get the game. You make the decisions. The Ref blows the whistle. The game ends. Ja. Can I have another cookie.”

 

 

Jurie: “Seems like we’re getting nowhere with this Crap”

 

 

 

Meyer:”I has a plane to catch.” *ek wonder of Div sulke Crap gehad het!*

 

 

 

Div:”Ja, as I always say. When the going gets tough, you pick up your horses and count your chickens!”

 

 

 

Naas:”Well uhm, I sure think that things will get better over time. On the other hand, we can be in for a very long and rough period for the Springboks if it doesn’t.

 

 

Venter: “Time. Yes. Time. Waits for no man. Time to piss off.  Any cookies left?”

 

 

 

*Disclaimer: None of this is true. And Jake White could not attend the committee because he is in Australia, so don’t bug me about him.

 

 

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One Response

  1. Roly says:

    CRAP>>> Good name for SARU too. I will wait and see after Sat. Work in progress my ass!

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